By Jessica Melendez, AngelsWin.com Feature Writer -
You guys, the Angels suck this year. No two ways about it! I've been meaning to write this post for the last few months but I have kept putting it off. Every few days I thought, “this is it, this is where the Angels turn it around and I can just write something super happy and fun instead!” And then, you know, this season kept happening.
But what’s the real problem? I’m sure everyone has an opinion. Pitching. Consistency. Everything. All of these are valid answers. But in my opinion, the biggest problem is a lack of team building. There’s no chemistry. It’s like watching a romantic comedy starring two sticks. Boooooring. Painful. Coma inducing.
So let’s talk team building. I’m pulling out my Human Resources Professional hat to offer these totally legitimate*, legal**, and effective*** ways to encourage camaraderie and togetherness.
1. A brawl. The Dodgers got into TWO brawls earlier this season and look where they are now. It’s time to start beaning batters and throwing our collarbones into harm’s way. Nothing says solidarity like that awkward half-sprint-half-jog from the bullpen that happens during brawls.
2. Team field trip to church with Josh Hamilton. Yeah, I know there are federal laws against forcing one’s employees to practice a specific religion...do not talk to me of such trivial matters. Arte needs to lay down the law: head on over to church, boys, and have an honest to goodness “come to Jesus” moment. Nothing’s more earnest than a new convert.
3. Voodoo cleansing ceremony at the Big A with mandatory participation by all players. I’m sure there’s got to be something that can be done involving chicken sacrifice and maybe burning some Rangers jerseys or something...I’ll leave the details up to the professionals. Arte’s got the money to hire the big guns, but maybe some fans could go in on some cheaper spells in the meantime. RealAfricaVoodoo.com offers a “Masculine Power Spell” for $89.95. You can even add it to an online shopping cart. Seems totally legit to me and she offers a 30 day money back guarantee so you really can’t go wrong. I say everyone pick a player and send a $89.95 “Masculine Power Spell” their way. They’ll thank you later.
4. Team Campout. Campouts are a great way to build camaraderie, confidence, and basic life skills. This is the concept behind every scouting organization. In my mind, this Team Campout includes repeated watching of The Sandlot, Major League, and Field of Dreams. And s’mores. Lots of s’mores. Probably a few rounds of the “trust fall” followed by more s’mores.
5. Matching tattoos à la the Nine from The Lord of the Rings. Here’s a way to make sure everyone commits to the season and each other—get a permanent reminder on their bodies! And they can all match and be adorable and what a fabulous story that would make for sports writers everywhere. You’re welcome, sports writers.
6. Team building through survival! On the next off day or perhaps even after this dreadful season is over, I vote the entire team get dumped onto a deserted island and forced to scavenge for food and shelter. As it turns out, fending off danger together is also a great way to form lasting bonds so maybe there could be some dangerous animals and possibly some kind of random setting off of explosions...I’m not saying anyone should actually get killed, I’m kind of asking for The Hunger Games Lite package. Drama, danger...less actual killing. This experience should last more than a few days so while they’re off surviving we just bring up a bunch of minor leaguers to play a few games. Cause it would be fun to watch and we’d probably not lose any more games than we already are, am I right?
So those are my top suggestions for the all important team building that the Angels seem to be sorely lacking this year. What are yours?
** not at all
*** extremely doubtful