Friday, December 13, 2013



By Glen McKee, AngelsWin.com Columnist/Satirist-

Somewhere between the ball field in Anaheim, the production houses in Hollywood and the Winter Meeting suites in Orlando, a script was born.  A script chillingly familiar.  A script no one wanted you to see. What follows is an outtake from that script …

“A Few Good Pitchers.”


                      A Few Good Pitchers

                                   INT.  ANGELS’ STADIUM - DAY

                                              SCIOSCIA
                                           I want the truth!

                                               DIPOTO
                                   You can't handle the truth!
                                            And nobody moves.
                       
                                                DIPOTO
                                              (continuing)
               
Scioscia, we have a team that needs pitching. And we have to get it on the cheap.  How are we gonna do it? Sign Garza?  Sign Colon?  I have the financial restraints you gave me! You tell me to get Santiago and you don’t say how.  You have that luxury.  You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: That to trade for Santiago, we’ll have to give up Trumbo and do a three-way.  This trade will probably win games.  And this trade, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves my job .

                                                  (beat)

You don't want the truth.  Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at the post-game spread, you want me on this job.  You need me here. 

                                                (boasting)

We use words like luxury tax, tERA, xFIP...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent crunching numbers to build a better team.  You use 'em as a punchline.
                                       
                                                  (beat)
               
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who insists on starting Jeff Mathis, to the extreme that I had to trade him for scraps. I'd prefer you just said thank you and went with a sensible lineup.  Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a copy of Fangraphs and read it.  Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to.

                                              SCIOSCIA
                                               (quietly)
                                   Did you trade Mark Trumbo?

                                               DIPOTO
                                                 (beat)
                                I did the job you sent me to do.

                                              SCIOSCIA
                                 Did you trade Mark Trumbo?

                                              DIPOTO
                                               (pause)
                                You're goddamn right I did.

                                   Silence.  From everyone.  

        ARTE MORENO, TIM MEAD, CHUCK RICHTER, they're all frozen.
Love to hear what you think!

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