By Glen McKee, AngelsWin.com Columnist & Satirist
What the?!?! It’s already the end of March and real baseball (the Aussie excursion doesn’t really count, does it?) is less than a week away? That means I have only a few days left to get on the “bold predictions” bandwagon. So without further ado, here are my bold locks – not predictions, because these will happen – for the Angels this year.
Mike Trout will hit over .400 – until September, when he’ll tail off a bit and drop down to around .390 for the season. There are many old records that will never be broken or milestones that will never be passed again – DiMaggio’s hitting streak, Ripken’s consecutive games streak, AngelsWin.com record for most threads created to discuss a single player (held by Mike Napoli), and the .400 mark will continue to be one of them. It’s a different game now and even the best hitters like Mike Trout will fail to eclipse the .400 mark.
Speaking of Mike Trout, he’ll be the AL MVP – in the minds of Angels fans, but once again he’ll come in second to Miguel Cabrera because the BBWAA voters suck. They’re so lame they can’t even figure out that they have an extra B in their initials. No wonder they can’t get the MVP vote right.
Albert Pujols will have an OPS above .900 – for several months in the season. He’ll finish a tick below .900 for the year, but that’s still pretty damn good and I’ll be happy with that. Welcome back, Albert.
Josh Hamilton will have a great year – with his stocks and other investments. On the field, though, it will just be a good year. And as with Pujols, I’ll be happy with that. What will his numbers be, you ask? What am I, a psychic? I dunno, but they’ll be good. Much better than 2013. All I know is that I’ll be wasting a lot fewer curses on Hamilton this year.
Our back three starters will be much better than the pundits predict – which isn’t saying much, because most are predicting them to be below average. I think they’ll be average-good for #3/#4/#5 starters, which once again is good enough. One of them will have a breakout year. I’m not sure which one, but I think it will be Santiago. Not because I weep for him – I have that luxury – but because as Philly Billy Werndl would say, “he’s a great guy, Glen!” I like great guys, and sometimes they finish first.
Kole Calhoun will hit above .300 – no really, he will. He’s gonna have a breakout year. It’s gonna be a blast watching him and Trout hitting 1 and 2. Not even being a soulless ginger will hold him down.
The Angels will have a good April – for the love of all that is holy, please let them have a good April. The Rangers and As have been hit hard with injuries. The first eleven games are against the Mariners, Astros, and Mets. The Angels have been more focused earlier this spring. They have to have a good April. Jobu, I never ask you for anything but now I’m making my only request: please let the Angels have a good April. You don’t help me now, I say “F&*@ you, Jobu!” I do it myself.
The Angels will have a winning record against the Astros – this shouldn’t be a big deal … but it is.
The most popular promotion at Angels Stadium this year will be – the Cowboy Rally Monkey on July 8. This is based on an informal survey of my daughter and my girlfriend, both of whom obviously can’t figure out that Mike Trout Gnome day is a thing and happens ten days later. Love you guys, but yeah…it’s Mike Trout Gnome day by a country mile. Mike Trout is a baseball deity, gnomes are cool – combing the two is a no-brainer. It’s like the bacon cheesecake of baseball promotions.
And finally, the Angels will make the playoffs – for the first time since about 2009, if I remember correctly. It sure seems like it’s been that long. The pieces are finally coming together – Mike Trout, low expectations from the press, a couple of players having rebound years, Mike Trout, good young pitching, Mike Trout, me sacrificing a hobo to Jobu – for a good year (so great that it will break the power of my whammy). It might not be “World Series Champions” good, but like the rest of the team and government work it will be good enough. And that’s good enough for me.