Thursday, April 11, 2013

By Glen Mckee, Columnist - 

No really, despite the horrible start - what, is this 2012 again? - the Angels can be good for you!  You just have to have a plan.  I've had a plan that I have used for a few years, but usually taper off and on. 

“The Angels Push-up Plan!”  In the past it was simple: do 10 push-ups for every run the Angels score.  Easy, straightforward, and it rewards your fandom with enhanced pecs if the Angels are doing well. 

This season, I've been more serious about getting into better shape so I added to the plan: 10 push-ups for every run the Angels score, and five for every run the other guys score.   Eight games into the season, I've realized something important: even at a 1:2 ratio the other team is making me do more push-ups than the Angels are. Thanks blowpen and questionable starters!  I wonder if I can somehow deduct money spent on Angels gear by claiming Mike Butcher as my trainer, because of his wonderful work with the pitching staff?

If you're into fitness at all then you know that repetitious training is not good for the long term; if I keep doing just push-ups eventually there won't be much benefit to them. So, taking a good look at how the Angels have performed so far I've come up with … “The New and Improved Angels Fitness Program!”

This complete training regimen that will have your flabby body beach-ready in a month, but only if you stick to it.  Oh, and you have to do this for every game.  No slacking!  Note that with the exception of the push-ups (in case of a high-scoring game), all of these should be done during the game when the events happen (there will be some overlap, but do them in order of occurrence).  OK, here's the program: 

* Every run the Angels score: 10 push-ups.

* Every run the other team scores: five push-ups.

* Every runner left on base (non-scoring-position): 10 four-count jumping jacks.

* Every runner left on base (scoring position): Two eight-count body builders

* Every inning an Angels starter gives up more than one run in an inning: Plank for 30 seconds 

* Every time Albert Pujols screws up on the bases: 10 leg-lifts

* Every time Josh Hamilton strikes out: Run in place for 30 seconds.

* When the camera shows Mike Scioscia looking confused: Jump rope for one minute.

* The bullpen, according to your own definition, is mismanaged: 10 good morning darlings 

* The Angels get a clutch hit with RISP: eat two raw kale leaves.

* Dino Ebel waves a runner home while standing about 10 feet from home plate: 10 arm windmills, both directions. 

* You find yourself saying "Scioscia made the right move there" and are surprised by that: 20 crunches of your choice.

* The Angels take the lead and then give it up in the next half -inning: eat a can of spinach.

* The game goes longer than three hours: drink a beer, you're gonna need it (yes, I know this goes against fitness in general but you need to reward yourself a bit too).

* The Angels lose: 15 angry squats or five minutes on a speed bag.

* The Angels win: Two sets of 10 star-jumps: 

* The Angels come from behind and hold on to win: find your significant other and make sweet, sweet love to him or her.

Note: if you let this be the only time you make sweet, sweet love I am not responsible for broken relationships due to the infrequency of boot-knocking. Trust me, you'll need to do it more often than this.  Much more.

That's it, folks!  Follow this plan and you'll go from Paul Giamatti to Channing Tatum or Melissa McCarthy to Anne Hathaway by the end of the season!
Love to hear what you think!

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