Wednesday, February 19, 2014

By Glen McKee, Lead Satirist -

You may have read in this LA Times article about the Angels using a bunting simulator in spring training this year.  This news brings tears of joy to the eyes of both people who enjoy giving away outs AND those who enjoy new technology, what with this being the latest in advanced baseball drills.  I know it makes my Grinch-like baseball heart grow a few sizes just thinking about Aybar spending most of March in this simulator, bluffing at strikes.

You may be thinking to yourself “well, after the bunting simulator, what else is left?  This is the pinnacle of Angles baseball spring training preparation.”  Well, you are wrong, sir or madam!  As wrong as Jerry Dipoto was for signing Joe Blanton.  I have the insider exclusive about new training methods being used this very spring to make Angels baseball even more Angels-like.  Come with me behind the scenes and I’ll reveal the greatness of…

The baserunning error simulator.  This simulator is a replica of the entire infield.  The runner takes off from home plate and rounds first.  As he rounds second base and heads for third in an obviously ill-fated attempt to take an extra base, he receives a thousand-volt electrical shock that yanks him through the air back to second and plants him on his ass.  There’s a complement to this technology, and it’s called the Ebel Windmill killer, and it’s specifically fitted for Gary DiSarcina.  He watches the runners heading into second base and if he makes the windmilling motion, he’ll get a thousand-volt electrical shock as well. 

The “late call to the bullpen” simulator.  This one is only for Butcher and Scioscia.  It’s a replica of the home bench at Angels stadium, with a phone on the wall behind it.  Sosh and Butch sit on it and watch a game (it won’t be difficult to find an example) where there was an obvious time the bullpen should have been called but it wasn’t.  If either or both of them don’t reach for the bullpen phone, they receive a thousand-volt electrical shock that continues until they make the call. 

The page turner.  It’s a copy of War and Peace.  It’ll give Scioscia plenty of practice turning the page before the season starts.

The urgency simulator.  These are the calendars that the Angels will use for this season.  April and May have been renamed July and August, and July and August have a “II” after them.  It is hoped that this will get them out of the gate faster. 

The Mike Trout contract extension simulator.  This is just a calculator that starts with a display of 20,000,000 and adds one million for each month of the season that goes by without a contract extension. 

The postgame buffet spread simulator.  Ha ha, just kidding, chumps.  I won’t stoop to making a “Scioscia is fat” joke.  That’s too tired, easy, and just plain boring. 

The Dipoto pitcher search simulator.  However, I’m not above making the obvious Dipoto joke.  This simulator is simply two dumpsters, one from Arizona, and one from Colorado.  They’re both very deep.

The “season over already” simulator.  I know it’s odd that the Angels would have this at spring training, but yeah, it’s there.  It’s a fictional box score of the first loss of the season.  It then replicates the fans’ gross overreaction to the loss.  On the upside, we are told many of these FAILo fans will be entering the season in “the best shape of their lives.”  We assume these shapes range somewhere between that of a pear and a Miley Cyrus wrecking ball.

So there you have it.  If you thought 2013 was Angels baseball, then 2014 will blow your socks off.  With these simulators paving the way for the season, it’s gonna be even more Angels-like this year, if such a thing is possible.
Love to hear what you think!

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