By Glen Mckee, AngelsWin.com Satire Columnist -
Well, it’s the middle of March again and we all know what that means. There’s only one thing important about March and that’s baseball’s spring training. Sorry March Madness and Something on a Stick Day (March 28, in case you’re curious) – baseball rules March. It’s that time of year when every fan has a least a shred of hope that this season will be better than the last. It’s Linus in the pumpkin patch, but with warmer weather. With that in mind, a baseball fan has to be prepared for the season. Just like Linus knew everything about the Great Pumpkin, you, the baseball fan, need to prove just how much you know about baseball. I’ve devised a knowledge test, the baseball equivalent of the SAT, to prepare you for the season ahead. You have just five minutes to complete it, to ensure you don’t just look for the answers on google. Write your answers down on a sheet of paper and mail it to me, along with a $5 processing fee (cash only), and I’ll probably send you your results around the end of the year or something. Ready? Hit it!
1. Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington was assessed a fine of $200 by MLB. What did he use to pay that fine?
A. Pennies
B. Arugula
C. Frank Stallone
D. Proceeds from the Gulf Oil sponsorship fee
2. The Washington Nationals used to play in another city and under another name, and they provided outstanding talent that many other teams scooped up. What was their previous city and name?
A. Harlem Globetrotters
B. Santa Cruz Banana Slugs
C. Montreal Expos
D. Worcester Ruby Legs
3. The San Diego Padres moved to Petco Park in 2004. Prior to 2004 they played in a stadium that went by all of the following names/nicknames except for which one?
A. The Murph
B. The Q
C. Cianfroccoville
D. Jack Muprhy Stadium
4. The Chicago Cubs recently introduced a mascot, the first time the team has ever had one. What is the name of that mascot?
A. Pedobear
B. Yogi Bear
C. Clark
D. Yogi Berra
5. In a few years the Astros are expected to have a formidable team, assembled through multiple high-round draft picks and crafty free-agent signings. Name five players on their current roster.
(Just stop. You know you don't know any.)
6. In 1979 the Pittsburgh Pirates, in addition to wearing sweet painters’ caps, won the World Series and had a theme song for the year. What was that song?
A. “In the Navy” by the Village People
B. “We Are Family” by Sister Sledge
C. “It’s Raining Men” by the Weather Girls
D. “We Go Together” by John Travolta
7. One of the best players to wear the Kansas City Royals uniform was George Brett. In 1983 he was involved in a controversy when his home run in the 9th inning was nullified because of too much of what substance on his bat handle?
A. Testosterone
B. Bull semen
C. HGH
D. Pine tar
8. The Anaheim Angels won the World Series in 2002 and one of many key players for them was Scott Spiezio. Spiezio also played in a band. What was the name of that band?
A. Chase
B. Sandfrog
C. John Cougar Concentration Camp
D. Enuff Z’Nuff
9. In recent years the Oakland Athletics have achieved some notoriety for performing well above the level expected by their payroll, and much of the credit is given to their General Manager. Who is their famous GM?
A. Brad Pitt
B. Ron Jeremy
C. Frank Stallone
D. Billy Beane
10. The Milwaukee Brewers have become famous for their racing sausages. Which of the following is not one of the racing sausages?
A. Abe Froeman Sausage
B. Chorizo
C. Polish Sausage
D. Bratwurst
11. The Minnesota Twins’ logo has the initials “TC.” What does the TC stand for?
A. Twerking Cities
B. Twin Cities
C. Top Cats
D. Throttlebottom Custodians
12. The Chicago White Sox are famous for what?
A. Uh…
B. Something…I can’t remember
C. Frank Thomas
D. All of the above
13. The Toronto Blue Jays are now the only Major League Baseball team playing in a country outside of the United States. What is the name of the magical land they call home?
A. Alaska
B. Cianfroccoville
C. The North Pole
D. Canada
14. The Colorado Rockies play at Coors Field in Denver, which has an elevation of approximately 5,300 feet. Because of the thinner atmosphere at that altitude, hit balls tend to travel futher. To offset for this, in what item(s) do the Rockies keep their game balls?
A. A humidor
B. Their jock straps
C. Frank Stallone
D. A hermetically sealed #2 mayonnaise jar kept on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon of the game day.
15. The Boston Red Sox fans were noble in their collective misery, until their team won three Word Series championships in the span of nine seasons. What are their fans now?
A. F%&@!*g annoying
B. Drunken buffoons
C. Illegitimately conceived
D. All of the above
16. After not making the playoffs in 2013, the New York Yankees went on a spending spree during the offseason. 2014 is the last year for Derek Jeter. What does this make their fans?
A. F%&@!*g annoying
B. Obnoxious buffoons
C. Illegitimately conceived
D. All of the above
17. Dodger Stadium is famous for what culinary treat you can only get at Chavez Ravine?
A. The Manny Ramirez Overflowing Bowl of Scabies
B. Loney’s Yard O’ Ale
C. Dodger Dogs
D. The Grienke Vegemite Sandwich
18. The Miami (nee Florida) Marlins have won the World Series twice and immediately dismantled their team the season after they did. In 2012, after swindling the city of Miami out of a stadium and forcing hideous stadium artwork on them, Jeffry Loria took the dismantling to an unheard of new level and the fans responded in droves of absence (much like the Jimmy Buffett song “If the Phone Doesn’t Ring It’s Me). What was the average attendance for a Marlins game in 2013?
A. Threeve
B. 19
C. 666
D. 19,584
19. The Tampa Bay Rays (nee Devil Rays) have the most hipster coach in Joe Maddon. Which of the following items is not associated with Maddon?
A. Glasses that are probably unnecessary
B. A fixed-gear pitching machine
C. A Kansas City Athletics neck tattoo
D. A lineup with the best hitter hitting last
20. All teams use wacky promotions and giveaways to lure casual fans into the stadium. Which of the following is an actual promotion for the Cincinnati Reds?
A. Dusty Baker Toothpick Night
B. Mat Latos Missing Tee Night – all fans get a free red golf tee
C. Aroldis Chapman Bobblehead Night
D. Fast-Food Workers Appreciation Night – all fans get incorrect change or their debit card left behind
21. The St. Louis Cardinals achieved notoriety when a copy of their guideline book was leaked to the public. What was the name of that book?
A. Fifty Shades of Pretention
B. Don’t Worry, the Angels Will Bail Us Out
C. Arch-etypes
D. The Cardinal Way
22. Shortening team names is becoming more popular. What shorter name do the Arizona Diamondbacks often go by?
A. D-Backs
B. D-Bags
C. D+(fence)
D. Deez Nutz
23. Fans of the Atlanta Braves do something at their stadium that annoys most sane people. What do they do?
A. Streak
B. Passively support their team
C. The nose-pick
D. The tomahawk chop
24. The Cleveland Indians were the team featured in the funniest baseball movie ever produced. Name that movie.
A. Schindler’s List
B. Major League
C. Doctor Giggles
D. 42
25. The New York Mets signed Bartolo Colon to a two-year contract this offseason. If he was still with them, which former Mets pitcher could combine with Colon to have the best last name pitching duo ever?
A. Doc Gooden
B. Nolan Ryan
C. Josias Manzanillo
D. R.A. Dickey
26. Former Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino left the team after winning a championship in with them in 2008 and returning to the Fall Classic in 2009. He won another championship with the Red Sox last year as his former team struggled. When interleague play brings Boston to the City of Brotherly Love this year, what do the Philly fans hurl at him from the outfield seats?
A. $12 light beer
B. Insults and invective
C. “D” batteries from their wives’ nightstand
D. What the hell is invective?
27. The Seattle Mariners made a big splash this offseason by signing Robinson Cano to a huge contract. Who in the Mariners lineup will protect Cano?
A. Archi Cianfrocco
B. Chone Figgins
C. Justin Smoak
D. Justin Bieber
28. Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander is famous off the diamond for dating what celebrity?
A. Justin Bieber
B. Kate Upton
C. Upton Sinclair
D. Sinclair Lewis
29. Baltimore Orioles rising star Manny Machado recently made headlines for saying that something was disappointing to him. To what was he referring?
A. Justin Verlander dating Justin Bieber
B. The Orioles offseason
C. Joe Buck still having a baseball broadcasting job with Fox Sports
D. His contract
30. The San Francisco Giants have a wealth of players with great baseball names. Which of the following players is/are not on the Giants (you may select more than one)?
A. Madison Bumgarner
B. Legedu Naanee
C. Buster Posey
D. Buster Poindexter
That’s it. One question for every team. You should have a good idea of how you did, and if you didn’t know the answers to some of the questions you still have time to research them before the season starts. Consider this your spring training.
