Thursday, April 24, 2014

By Glen McKee, Columnist & Satirist 

Good, good.   It’s been a while since I’ve truly felt the Yankee hatred in me, and quite frankly I’ve missed it.  I didn’t realize how just how much I missed it until I started to feel it again, a few days ago.  There were several factors that led to my recent Yankee apathy. 

First and foremost was that the Angels have had a bad run over the last four seasons and most of my baseball ill-will has been aimed at the home team.  It was difficult to generate hatred for another team (although I still maintained my hatred of the Red Sox – that well never dries) when my own team was woeful.  I couldn’t spare any hatred for the Yankees when we had Mathis on our team, or Wells, or various other scapegoats. 

Second was that the Yankees missed the playoffs last year.  Can I get an amen from the congregation!  That almost helped me forget how bad the year was for the Angels.  At the end of last season I also let myself believe, just for a little while, that the Yankees were serious about not going over the salary cap this year.  Yeah, I know. 

Third was that they have Alex Rodriguez on their team (and still do) and the attendant circus that goes with it.  Geddit?  Circus, centaur…ah, never mind.  I hoped that he would still be playing with them this year, and that the Yankees would be forced to pay his salary and stick him on the field.  Wrong again. 

So, the Yankees had slipped off my hatred radar.  And then, the offseason started.  First, they got the blocker, Brian McCann.  Yankees fans should love this bag of douche.  He got his panties in a twist because another douchebag, Carlos Gomez, showed up his former team, and McCann decided to play bridge troll and not let him pass, even though McCann was completely in the wrong.  A self-appointed enforcer of baseball’s unwritten rules will fit perfectly with their self-important fans.  My hatred was getting rekindled.  Good, good…

Next, Derek Jeter announced his retirement and my hatred once again ebbed.  Like most baseball fans, I like Jeter, even though he’s a Yankee (after this year, I’m glad to say, there is nobody on their roster I have to make excuses for liking – I can go back to 100% hatred).  Jeter was a perfect ambassador for baseball and his conduct off the field will forever have my admiration – I’ll never look at gift baskets the same way.  Fortunately, Jeter’s retirement didn’t extinguish the embers of my hatred, because…

The Yankees outbid everybody else for Tanaka.  Damn, I wanted him on the Angels.  I figured he would be good and he’d at least be worth the chance if you could afford him, and I assume Arte Moreno can.  But of course the Yankees wouldn’t be outbid and of course he’s in pinstripes and doing well (so far).  I certainly don’t blame him for chasing the money; I would do the same if I was in his shoes.  Seeing him pitch well is another log on the bonfire of my Yankee hatred.

Also mixed in with the offseason was the Yankees signing Jacoby Ellsbury from the Red Sox.  This move left me conflicted.  Part of me liked it because it pissed off the Red Sox fans, and anything that pisses off the chowds is at least somewhat good.  However, it also stoked the embers a bit because it showed the Yankees in panic mode, signing all the big free agents.  What a bunch of a-holes, signing everybody willy-nilly.  See, it’s different with the Angels and Pujols and Hamilton because, well…it just is.  We’re not the Yankees, OK?

And then the Yankees got off to a good start.  The flames, like in the Johnny Cash song, went higher.  And then I realized that in a few days the Angels are going to Yankee stadium, and the fire burned!  God, it feels good to be thawed by that righteous heat.  Coupled with the Angels typical slow start, the fire raged, and it’s about to see its culmination. 

Add to all of this that Michael Pineda got caught cheating for a second time.  This time it was so obvious that MLB in general and the umpires and Red Sox in particular couldn’t ignore it or make excuses for it.  I look forward to Joe Girardi explaining how he didn’t know what his pitcher was doing, both times he did it.  Are you kidding me?  I know that all baseball teams at least try to cheat, but most of them at least give fans the courtesy of hiding the evidence of said cheating.  Pineda was so arrogant that even after he was caught doing it once he figured he was aces to do it again.  The arrogance of those pinstripes, I tell ya.

I want the Angels to go into Yankee Stadium (or whatever dumb name they have for their new place – Dingusville?  AttentionWhore Stadium?) and to destroy them in three games with a cumulative score of 33-1.  Give them a run in each game for some false hope; maybe even have Jeter hit a home run just so ESPN has something to put in the spank bank.  I look at the schedule on and for each game the Yankee pitcher is listed as TBA.  I want them DOA.  I want the Angels to face Sabbathia and beat him so bad that he starts binge-eating and ends up like White Goodman at the end of Dodgeball (I know, he pitches on Thursday so we won’t see him.  Let me rant.)  I want Brian McCann to illegally block the plate while Erick Aybar is trying to score, and Aybar to pile-drive him and send him to the 60-day DL with a fractured skull and displaced labia.  Yes, I’m wishing injury on somebody, but he plays for the Yankees.  Check the bible; it’s OK to wish harm on a sports figure as long as he plays for the Yankees or Red Sox.  I don’t know enough about Ellsbury to wish any harm on him, other than the general malaise that I wish on all Yankees players (Except for Jeter, of course.  Everybody loves Jeter.) – a pox of some sort would do just fine.  OK, I hope he makes a crucial error that costs the Yankees a game and sends them into a downward spiral. 

Furthermore, I hope that those rich fans that half-fill the ultra-expensive seats behind home plate leave each game feeling like they wasted their money and contemplating the life choices that led to them supporting the Yankees and going to a game.  I hope all the other Yankee fans get paper cuts from their tickets, and the ones that have paperless tickets get a benign tumor from their cellphones.  I hope they all spill at least one expensive beer right after purchasing it.  I want that stadium burned to the ground (figuratively, of course) after we pull chocks on Sunday.  Is that too much to ask?

Good, good.  Let the hatred flow through you…

Love to hear what you think!

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