By Glen Mckee, AngelsWin.com Senior Writer, Satire -
Last year during the dismal spring training that accurately foretold a disappointing season, I realized it was never too early to give up on a season. Even if it hadn’t started already – beat the crowds, give up now! This offseason the Angels were more conservative in their moves and I approached the season with a small amount of renewed hope. They traded for promising young pitching, and talked about the importance of a fast start. Things were looking better. I had hope.
And then the first three games happened. The only positive fans could take from them is that perpetual bright-spot Mike Trout was already doing Mike Trout things. Everybody else was doing horrible things: GIDPs, golden sombreros, errors (both official and unofficial), no hitting with RISP…the list goes on, and there shouldn’t be a list after three games. Some fans are already hitting the panic button. I’m not, but I have already hit the “adjusted expectations” button. Seems like every year I’m hitting it before Peter Cottontail makes his appearance.
It’s obvious that the Angels need something to wake them up, or someone different. Don Baylor won’t be back for a while so we can’t pin our hopes on him. Get well soon, Don! With that in mind, I present to you a few candidates for the newly created Team Doctor position (not to be confused with the Team Physician, an actual doctor). Following are the top candidates for the job to fix the Angels, listed with their pros and cons.
- Dr. Johnny Fever
Pros: He has the “medicine” that just might be what the Angels need. Guaranteed to help them relax and play looser, and feel less pressure. His confidence could be inspiring to the Angels.
Cons: Unreliable. Might not show up on time. Booger. Hates disco.
- Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
Pros: Extremely motivational. Will severely punish players for stupid baserunning, mental lapses, poor situational hitting, and stashing jelly donuts.
Cons: Horrible ending for both him and somebody on the team. Hates unlocked lockers, which could lead to problems in the clubhouse.
- Deepak Chopra
Pros: Will make the Angels feel good about themselves no matter how they perform on the diamond.
Cons: Will make the Angels feel good about themselves no matter how they perform on the diamond.
Pros: Doesn’t take any guff. Has access to the “medicine” (wink!) that the Angels might need. Former player, so he knows how to get to the stadium.
Cons: Spotty history with the team. Might go to jail for acquiring the “medicine” the Angels need.
- Dr. Phil
Pros: His nonsensical, folksy sayings could be just what the Angels need to find their inner resources to play to their capabilities. Great mustache. Probably available.
Cons: Ego might not fit in the locker room. After his pithy sayings, doesn’t bring much else to the table.
Pros: Available. Semi-intelligent. Somewhat motivational. Relatively inexpensive. Incredibly handsome.
Cons: None whatsoever, except for the team.
The team obviously needs something to get it going in the right direction, and it needs it now. Any one of the above candidates (#6) could be just what the Angels need to maximize their potential. Come on, Arte! You’re embracing advanced metrics and defensive shifts and, uh, other stuff. You just need to add one more position to the team and they’ll go all the way.