By Glen McKee and Natan Trop, AngelsWin.com Columnist & Satirist
Shelf life and service life are funny things. Milk has a low shelf and service life: it can’t sit in the grocery store for too long, and once you open it you have a week at most (or longer, if you’re brave). Twinkies have an indefinite shelf life but once you open them, they’re good for about a day. Mayo also has a long shelf life but can marinate in your fridge for months while you eat enough sandwiches and chicken salad to go through it. The Rally Monkey is different, though – it had no shelf life at all but has perhaps way outlived its service life. On Thursday night a potential replacement for the Rally Monkey was introduced – the Rally Pussy, or Cat if you will. The debate is already in full swing so let’s get our PCP guys to break down the arguments to the finer points and settle the debate, once and for all.
Bring on the Rally Pus Cat – by Glen McKee
I have many roles in life – government money sponge, Angels fan, occasional writer, partner and lover, just to name a few. I attack all of them with the same level of post-mediocrity but none of them are more important to me (at least for the sake of this article) than the role of half-assed father. Nobody half-asses it quite as half-assed as I do, and I take this job somewhat seriously. Part of this job is entertaining my daughter and forcing my beliefs on her. I know, that sounds horrible on the surface but I need to make sure she doesn’t end up rooting for the Dodgers. That’s a father’s second prime directive, right after keeping her off the pole. So, I take her to Angels games to expose her to the post-mediocrity that is Angels baseball. She’s gonna be eleven in a few weeks, so her attention wanders when she’s at the game, or doing any damn thing.
Let’s take a break here to admit something we all know: baseball is a boring game. When you have to repeatedly refer to the “tension” of a sporting event you’re talking about a lack of action, and no other sport (besides golf) has more standing around doing nothing than baseball. I love baseball, it’s my favorite sport by far, but my god does it drag sometimes.
Back on point: baseball is a tough sell to a hyperactive tweener with a cell phone and a sugar high. That’s why beach balls and the wave are so popular – it gives the less-attentive something to do in between the in –between innings, when they’re not looking at the kiss cam or singing along to Buttercup. Yes, I don’t like all of those things but my daughter does like them, so I actually like them a little bit. You don’t enjoy Buttercup? Fine, stay seated and shut up, and let everybody else have fun. Go ahead and be the “get off my lawn!” guy or gal at the stadium, forcing a frown when everybody around you is having fun.
Enter the Rally Cat. I actually got a bit excited when I heard about it because I knew it would be an easy sell for my daughter. It’s like cotton candy on the video screen. It gives her something else to be excited about because the game just isn’t enough for her. When I’m at the game, I want to watch the game and if there’s something else that keeps my daughter distracted, I’m all for it. Let me be a half-assed dad and enjoy my thing without worrying about entertaining my rugrat. Bring on the Rally Cat.
Keep that murderous cat away from the Angels! By Nathan Trop
Glen … you ignorant slut!!!
Sure baseball games can be boring and recent Angels teams did a lot more of building us up just to let us down than entertain us, so some form of alternative entertainment for the fans was necessary. A murderous cat is not the answer. As a father myself I have to protect my family and I could never risk bringing them to a stadium that employed such a heinous breed of mammal.
The biggest problem with the Rally Monkey was that it never developed any new skills to keep entertaining the fans; all it did was jump up and down or edit itself into popular movie scenes. It never learned how to ride a dog like a human rides a horse, or throw barrels at plumbers or climb the Empire State Building. The Angels need to be more creative with their next rally figurehead, more innovative. Here are a few of my ideas.
Rally Concession Dude(tte): Imagine the Jumbotron video camera zooming in on an ice cream concession person who goes all Oprah and starts handing out free ice cream “you get ice cream! You get ice cream! You get ice cream!!!”
Rally Dog: Dogs are man’s best friend. They are loyal, friendly and smart. They are great pets. They know how to defecate outside and not in a box. They also would cheer everyone up looking adorable wearing an Angels hat. Most importantly they aren’t plotting our murder. The Brewers have a dog and they have the second best record in MLB.
Rally Aybar: Just throw his goofy mug up on the screen. It is that simple. I love me some Aybar.
Rally Bikini Model: Ok so this might not be very family friendly but nothing would rally the guys in the crowd more than a bikini model. We could always have a couple frames of Rally Hugh Jackman for the ladies in the crowd.
Rally Rex Hudler: Whether or not he knows the difference between the moon and planet, Rex was always good at pumping up the fans on the broadcast. He is probably the only man involved with the Angels that could still get excited with the team down by eight runs with two outs in the ninth.
Rally Kid: I am going to get serious here for a minute but how awesome would it be for the Angels to invite a different RBI League kid to each game and have the kid belt out a cheer for the Angels on the Jumbotron in a rally situation? How could that not inspire the fans and the Angels players? Frankly, the opposing team would be assholes if they didn’t let the Angels win.
Rally nuke, rally Ebola virus, rally escaped con, rally Kim Jong Un… anything would be safer than a Rally Cat.
