Wednesday, July 2, 2014

By Glen McKee & Nate Trop, Columnist & Satirist

Here in the P/CP headquarters, buried deep under Angels Stadium in a nuclear blastproof bunker, we’re concerned with the important questions.  Yes, the trade deadline is fast approaching and the Angels need bullpen help, and how we get that help is a great subject for debate.  Will we trade for somebody or will Dipoto go back yet again to the Rockies/Diamondbacks scrap heap?  We’ll leave that question to other, less important people while we focus on the truly important question: which is worse, Pujols’s legs or Trout in the HR derby?

Pujols’s Legs – by Glen McKee

This one is easy.  Nothing about Trout is bad.  He could face himself ten times in the HR derby and he’d still be awesome the next day.  The mythological curse of the swing-ruining HR derby, if it even existed, would bounce off of Trout like a relay from Aybar off of Howie’s glove.  Trout can do whatever he wants.

And that brings us to Pujols, and his legs and everything else.  There was a time when Pujols was the Trout of his generation.  He was the king of the baseball world for most of a decade, and he went to the HR derby several times, and look at him now – uh, I mean, look at him directly after every time he went to the HR derby except in 2012.  He was fine.

But Pujols isn’t fine now.  It all comes down to his legs and everything attached to them.  Let’s start with the legs and his gimping into 2B and getting thrown out, something he blamed on an occasional (and convenient) swollen lymph node near his junk.  Sure, to me (and to Mark Langston, and doctors around the world, and just about everybody else) that seems like a convenient excuse for getting caught dogging it.  However, if it’s true…wow.  We’re 2.5 years into a 10-year deal with him and legs generally don’t get better as you age.  He needs the Six Million Dollar Man treatment stat, because his walking sticks are clearly defective. 

Now let’s talk about some of the things attached to Pujols’s legs.  The first is, evidently, the #3 spot in the lineup, the spot behind the best hitter in the league and the aforementioned stud, Mike Trout.  How that spot in the lineup got attached to Pujols’s legs is a mystery that only Mike Scioscia knows the answer to, and he ain’t tellin’.  Pujols from five years ago would be incredible behind Mike Trout.  Pujols now, with his double-pimp-limp and sub-Molina speed on the basepaths, and his ever-worsening bat skills, is a black hole behind Trout but he’s stuck there.  There’s as much a chance of him moving down in the lineup as there is of him hitting an inside-the-park HR. 

You know what else is attached to Pujols’s legs?  His contract.  It’s tattooed on there; if you don’t believe me, google it.  That contract will haunt us like a first marriage.  Maybe that’s why Pujols is limping so much; he’s still sore from all the numbers etched onto his legs.  That’s just as viable an explanation as his swollen gland. 

The last thing attached to Pujols’s legs, via his body and his skull, is his baseball brain.  Said brain doesn’t seem to be able to get the message that his legs are toast and that brain thinks he can still easily leg out doubles like he used to.  Get a brain, Pujals!  At least get a better baseball brain, one in sync with your current body.

So yeah, Pujols’s legs and everything attached to them are way worse than Trout participating in the HR derby.

All of Pujols – by Nathan Trop

Glen, you ignorant slut!

Let’s get this out of the way; I don’t want Trout to do the Home Run Derby.  He has nothing to prove.  He is the best player in baseball, with the sweetest swing.  I shudder at the thought of him changing his approach for what basically is an extended batting practice.  It just isn’t worth the risk.  He isn’t Vlad or Trumbo, who had more holes in his swing than Pujols argument that he never took steroids.  He is Mike Trout, baseball God, nothing to prove, no reason to risk injury.  The Angels are on the hook to pay him another $140 million, they should be able to say no, don’t do it. 

What is worse than Trout doing the Home Run Derby?  Simple, Pujols.  All of him.  Glen already covered those parts of him that trouble us, which amount to everything he uses in baseball, every day.  First it was the knee, then it was the ankle, then it was his foot, and now it is a gland that, to be honest, I thought only existed in our throats.   His explanation was that his body was fighting an infection, and when it does he grows a third gonad.  When I am sick I just get tired a lot, my throat hurts and I turn into an even more miserable prick. 

To start the season, Pujols was showing us what we were paying $250 million for.  He was driving in runs, hitting doubles and a lot of home runs.  Everyone on the message board was thinking, “hey, he finally arrived!” and maybe he did, for a couple weeks.  Then the nagging injuries started… his foot, his ankle, his knee, his third plum.  When will it end?  The last thing this guy needs is for anything to enlarge.  Maybe he should lose some weight so it doesn’t always look like he is moving in slow motion.  How many overweight people do you know that have leg issues?  Knee, ankle, foot, etc?  Sound familiar?

That leads us to the heaviest part of him, that giant f’n ego of his.  Albert, you aren’t that good anymore.  In fact you kinda suck, mang.  Let Scioscia move you down in the lineup.  Hit Trout third, Hamilton 4th and Pujols 5th.  As long as Kendrick doesn’t hit 6th because that would be a one two punch of disastrous proportions with runners in double play position.  But back to Pujols’ ego, he has been audibly upset in interviews when his alpha status has been challenged on the team.  I have news for you Pujols, even with an extra huevo you are no longer "the man."  Mike Trout is the man!  He is the best player on the team, and all of baseball, so get over yourself.  And for the love of all that is holy, don’t let Mike participate in the Home Run Derby!
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