By Nate Trop and Glen McKee, AngelsWin.com SATIRE Columnist
Nothing says, “We’re out of ideas” quite like a fan mailbox piece. Errrrrr … we mean …
Here at the Point/Counterpoint Headquarter locations, in a secret vault somewhere on Edwards AFB and out in the wilds of Wisconsin, we have so much mail piling up that we need to go through some of it. You have questions, we have the definitive answers. So without further ado, your mail!
From A. Dodge, Lake Forest CA - “Why aren’t there more Asians on the team? Conger’s suckiness aside.”
Glen: Good question, A. Dodge! I think it’s because, unlike math, Asians are generally not good at baseball (see: Conger). Another obvious reason is that Scioscia speaks Spanish and loves the brown dudes, and there’s only so much room for minorities on any team.
Nate: I think our international scouting has really taken a nose dive over the last few years, with the biggest omission coming from Asia. The Angels seem to be completely absent from this market. Mr. Dodge, I nominate you to become the new Asia/Pacific Islands scouting director.
From A. Oracle, LONG BEACH STATE, CA!!!!!!! “Is the bullpen going to completely melt down in the playoffs (of COURSE it is!) and why didn’t Dipoto get some starting pitching before the deadline?”
Nate: Well, Mr. Oracle, it is hard to say. There was no way the bullpen could keep performing at the high level they were. I think they were over used, out of necessity, because of the starting pitching depth issues that the Angels faced over the last six weeks, as well as purely because the Angels won so many games. You manage your bullpen different in games you can win. With that said, I think the pen will be fine.
Glen: Bullpens tend to be cyclical and we’re on a good cycle right now, we just need to keep on riding it. Grilli is taking the Shields spot of “un-athletic pen guy” and Street is like Percy with fewer walks and stress. Not much could have been done about the rotation without screwing up the lineup, so we gotta dance with who brung us. I trust Dipoto will make a few moves in the offseason to strengthen the rotation.
From T. Daddy, Dodgertown, CA – “Do you think the Dodgers will win the WS this year?”
Glen: I think what you’re really asking is if you should get rid of your Dodgers’ jerseys. Stay the course, they’ll have some slight worth again soon.
Nate: Is Puig better than Trout? Are RBIs a good stat? Should the wins leader win the Cy Young Award? The answer to all of them is $#*@ NO!
From F. Grimes, Springfield, MA … or IL … or wherever – “Does Mike Trout really eat at Subway?”
Nate: If you believe in Jared’s amazing weight loss then I think you have to believe that Mike eats at Subway. There is no other explanation for his body transformation from last season. You have to wonder though, how does Jersey Mike’s feel about their advertisement on the left-center field wall when Mike is showing up on TV every day representing Subway? I bet they thought they were so lucky. “OMG!!! The Angels have the best player on the planet and his name is Mike and he is from Jersey.” Then Subway was like, “$money!!!” And Jersey Mike’s was like, “WTF?!?!”
Glen: He’s certainly eating a lot of something.
From T. Dawg, East Coast, USA – “With the new car smell wearing off of Mike Trout, what up-and-coming Angel gives you that feeling like when you climbed the rope in gym class?”
Glen: I’m saving my Angels’ broner for whatever starting pitcher(s) Dipoto brings in during the offseason. He did well with keeping Richards and getting that dude we lost to TJ surgery (you know, Kunta, lives upstairs). I’m eager to see what he does this year. I think there’s still some magic left in his wand. (If you know what I mean.)
Nate: It has to be Shoemaker. That beard is an aphrodisiac of epic proportions. In fact, the Angels should start bundling replica beards with his jersey. It would be the best selling jersey in history. I would buy seven so I would have a beard for every day of the week.
From S. Stradling, In-N-Out, CA – “If the Manager of the Year voters don’t choose Scioscia, then they aren’t real fans, right?”
Glen: Yes! Or no. Check with me after the playoffs because my answer may change.
Nate: You would have to figure he is in the top three. In the end, I think us “real fans,” who never doubted his ability, are going to be disappointed. You have to give it to Yost or Showalter. Like it or not, those two managers have done more with less.
From T. Stoddart, Fort Collins, CO – “Is Jason Grilli the most attractive baseball player of all time?”
Glen: I don’t know about that, but I do know that if he was in the band Chase, he’d certainly score the most babes.
Nate: I do enjoy a good beer belly, but there is no man on the planet who gives my heart flutters like my man Aybar. I love that ugly tobacco stained mug of his.
From K. Olbermann, Doucheville, North Korea – “Who is the best player of the last 5 million years?”
Glen: Aw Jeet Jeet Jeet Jeet!
Nate: We all know it is Mike Trout. I have a question for you, Mr. Olbermann, “are you the most annoying sports reporter of the last 5 million years?”
From J. Mathis, Miami, FL – “How can I hack Mr. Dipoto’s cell phone for compromising pictures so I can get my starting job back?”
Nate: Um, that is illegal. We’re an upstanding organization here, not the NSA.
Glen: Dude, you already have Scioscia’s hack. Not that you need it, but yeah.
M. Napoli, Boston, MA – “Can you please tell Scioscia that CERA is a false stat?”
Glen: OK Mike, I know you’ll be familiar with this scenario: Say you have an old conquest that you accidentally gave your real phone number to. She was great for a night, but then she kept calling and texting you and never got the message, even after you didn’t respond for a month. She’s probably deteriorated a lot in the intervening few years and getting back with her, while tempting from a nostalgia standpoint, is ill-advised at best. What I’m saying, Mike, is that you are that booty call. Please delete the Angels from your contacts and move on.
Nate: Mr. Napoli, we have heard this argued quite a bit. I still believe that CERA can be an important and revealing stat. The only time it is unfortunate is when it is used to start Mr. Mathis.
And there you have it. Thank you all for the great questions, and please keep them coming! (If you know what I mean.)