Thursday, October 2, 2014

By Senior Curmudgeon Glen McKee

Now that we have the wildcard games out of the way, and have separated the baseball wheat from the chaff, I think it’s time to look at why every other team in the playoffs besides the Angels sucks, and doesn’t deserve to win it all.  This year, there is truly only one team to root for: the Angels!  I’ll explain why.

Screw the Dodgers:  Do you really need a reason to not root for them?  Fine, I’ll give you several. First off, their fan base.  Most of them also root for the Raiders.  That should be enough, but they also like to brag about how good they were when Reagan was still president.  Their stadium is so much of a dump that even trash refuses to hang out there.  Their team is so dysfunctional that they want to fire their manager even though he keeps winning and doing amazing things with a clubhouse that has to be like something from an MTV reality show.  Finally, there’s “Mr. Dodger for Life” Tommy Lasorda.  Screw him and his bleeding Dodger blue.  He’s provided some great quotes throughout the years but he’s now nothing more than self-parody grasping at his last bit of relevance.  Let’s also not forget how the Dodgers have surpassed the Yankees as the “money is no concern” team who will sign anybody for any amount and not even blink.  Screw the Dodgers.

Screw the Giants:  They’ve won the WS twice in the last handful of years.  That’s enough.  Rooting for them is like rooting for Zac Efron to get laid. (Trying to be somewhat current here, stick with me older people).  They have a player who stole his nickname from a lousy animated movie starring the overrated Jack Black.  They play right next door to the insufferable Oakland A’ths.  Screw the Giants.

Screw the Nationals:  They play near Washington D.C. and everybody can find something to hate about that area.  Bryce Harper has ridiculous hair.  They used to be the Montreal Expos and I loved the Expos, so screw them for not still being the Expos.  For me, that’s the most unforgivable sin.  Screw the Nationals.  

Screw the Cardinals:  They’ve also won the WS a few times in recent years, and that puts them in the company of Boston and San Francisco.  Also, there’s the whole “Cardinal Way” thing, which reeks of pretention.  They’re like the quitter brother of Billy Beane and the A’ths, and they think their shit don’t stink.  It does.  Screw the Cardinals.

Screw the Tigers:  This one should be just as obvious as the Dodgers.  Justin Verlander tagging Kate Upton and then leaking her pictures on the net when he’s struggling.  Miggy Cabrera stealing the MVP award from Mike Trout at least once.  That giant vortex of douchiness that is Ian Kinsler.  How can you root for any of these guys?  Plus, they’re from Detroit and Detroit gave us Kid Rock.  Yeah, I know, Bob Seger too, but unfortunately Kid Rock cancels Bob Seger.  Screw the Tigers.

Screw the Royals:  Man, this one is tough.  What’s not to like about KC?  Everybody loves barbecue, even vegetarians like member, Tank (although they won’t admit it).  The Royals are the true underdog of the playoffs and everybody loves an underdog success story.  The only thing going against them is Ned Yost.  My God, he’s a terrible manager.  He’s what a lot of Angels fans think Mike Scioscia is.  He really is that bad, and the Royals have succeeded despite him.  They shouldn’t be rewarded for having such a horrible manager.  Oh yeah, and for at least a few days more now we’ll probably have to hear the Lorde song over and over again.  Screw Lorde and Ned Yost, and by extension the Royals.

Screw the Orioles:  Another tough one, but stick with me.  He isn’t playing because of injury but Manny Machado is still on the team.  Manny is trying to be what Miguel Cabrera was early in his career off the field, and that isn’t good.  Yeah, I know, it’s a stretch.  There’s also their majority owner, Peter Angelos.  Even though if I was in his shoes I probably would have done the exact same thing he did when the Nationals came to town, screw him.  What a dick move.  Rich pretentious a-hole.  That kind of arrogance doesn’t deserve a reward, it deserves a surprise elimination in the first round.  Plus, they’re from Baltimore and the only thing worthwhile that city has produced in the last thirty years is The Wire.  Nice stadium, but the rest of the city sucks.  Screw the Orioles.

With all of that in mind, there is only one team worth rooting for in the postseason: the Angels!  The choice is obvious.  Get on the bandwagon now because space is limited.  Get a Mike Trout jersey and a pair of thundersticks, and have a ball!

Love to hear what you think!

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