Friday, March 20, 2015

By Glen McKee, Hater-In-Residence - 

Let me preface my decision by first examining what hate is, before I get complaints.  The very first definition of hate on is “to dislike intensely or passionately.”  See, hate is about passion!  Ergo, hating a baseball team is not only healthy, but indicative of those feelings things that women profess to love.  Everybody wins when you hate a little bit.  

With that out of the way, there are certainly plenty of choices for the most hated team of 2015.  The Yankees are perpetually a solid choice, and the Red Sox have come up right next to them after 10 years or so of utter obnoxiousness.  Dodgers?  Check.  Definitely worthy of hate.  You could find a reason to hate any team, but which team is #1?

Of course it’s the Red Sox 

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Is there any doubt at all?  No, there isn’t.  Back before 2004 when Boston finally won their first World Series, they were right there with the Cubs in the “loveable losers” club.  Sure, their self-deprecation was a bit cloying but they had reason for misery.  Then, they won the World Series and the arrogance crept in.  It didn’t take long for their self-pity to turn into self-glorification.  They repeated as champions in 2007, and then again in 2013.  It’s been a great last 11 years for their obnoxious, idiotic fans.  2015 is particularly dangerous if you hate the Red Sox like you should, because there’s the potential of them going from last-to-first-to-last-to-first, something that has probably never happened before in baseball.  Jobu help us all if that happens.  Just imagine how much worse ESPN (I know, we don’t listen to/watch that station, but still) would be if that happens.

Even my beloved MLB Network would be unbearable for a while.  And imagine the Sox fans.  I’ll give you a moment to do that and then throw up.

OK, you’re back?  Good.  See how horrible that would be?  Just the thought of it possibly happening, months in advance, makes you like you just ate five Taco Bell burritos (or whatever vaguely Mexican name they’re calling the crap they now serve) in a row.  That’s not just bad, it’s hideous.  It’s repulsive, unspeakable, ghastly, and about seven other synonyms that popped up in Microsoft Word.

It must not happen. 

Are you with me?  Good.  What we need to keep that from happening is to concentrate our hatred on the Red Sox, and if we get enough people to do that, they’re bound to fail.  It’s simple physics.  Ya know that old guy we all know, the one who smokes and drinks and bitches about everything, and yet is still alive?  He’s alive because he’s seething with hatred, and hatred keeps you alive.  It’s unfinished business, and our collective unfinished business (hated) with/of the Red Sox will keep them from achieving that dreadful plateau.  We can’t let that happen.  I’d rather see the Dodgers win the World Series, playing against the Yankees, than see the Red Sox win this year.  

Still not with me yet?  OK, look at this picture.  Look at it!

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First off, there’s that oh-so-carefully sculpted facial hair.  He probably doesn’t even do it himself, he just hires a man-boy wearing a loincloth to touch him up before every game or public appearance.  

What a douche.  Second, there’s the fact that he tested positive for steroids in 2003 and nobody seems to care.  For the record, I don’t much care about steroids either way, but since they’re a big deal shouldn’t Ortiz get some of the heat?  Fucking chowd.  Finally, there’s his nickname: Big Papi.  If you want to despair for humanity just watch/listen to the broadcast of any game he’s in, and count how many times that sobriquet is used.  Our announcers do it to, and I hate them just a little bit for doing it. 

Want more reasons to hate Ortiz?  Glad you asked.  This gif shows you everything you need to know about him, in three seconds: 

How could you root for a team with this guy?  That’s not being competitive; that’s being a giant, colossal douchebag.  Nothing could excuse that kind of behavior.

I could give you many more reasons to hate Boston – Dustin Pedroia the rat-boy (who will outperform by far whomever we have at 2B this year and god, I wish he was on the Angels, but he’s on the Sox so he’s rat-boy) is waiting on-deck, and the constant over-hyping of Boston prospects is in the hole – but if I haven’t convinced you already, you’re beyond convincing.  Go waste your hate on some other team that isn’t as worthy of it.
So I’m not convinced about the Red Sox.  Who is the #2 team to hate?

Well, guess what, buttercup – the #2 team is also the Red Sox.  They’re that bad.  Trust me on this.

OK, who is the next team after the Red Sox?

Fair question.  In just about any other season the Yankees would be the #1a team but they’ve had a few down years and look to be down even more this year.  The Jeets is gone, and they don’t have any notable star players.  I’d say they’re rebuilding but they’re too old for that.  They’re just deteriorating and thus not worthy of hate.  They’re not worthy of pity either, so don’t even think about that.  No, look no further than a few miles north on the 5 freeway.
 photo Hate3_zpsflmoayk6.png

Yep, it’s the Dodgers.  My hatred for them had simmered off over the last decade or so, while the Angels were doing well and the Dodgers were sucking goat knobs.  It was great.  Then, suddenly, the Angels declined for a handful of years and the Dodgers got new ownership and decided to become the Yankees of the west coast.  That was all their dopey fans needed to crawl out from under their bridges (or get parole) and start bragging again.  Here’s how insufferable their fans are: last season, the Angels had the best record in baseball but choked in the division round of the playoff series, getting swept by the eventual AL champs.  The Dodgers won their division but also lost in the divisional round, but managed to put up one win in the series.  This led to their fans claiming the Dodgers did better than the Angels last year.
Yeah, I know.  What a bunch of dopes.  

During the offseason they remade their team, and part of that remake was trading for Howie Kendrick, one of my favorite Angels.  It’s gonna suck seeing Howie in Dodger blue, just like it did when GA went up north.  I can’t wish ill luck on Howie but I can hope that he is the one shining star in an otherwise disastrous year for the Dodgers.  I hope the Dodgers are terrible and that they tie the Red Sox for the worst record in baseball this season.  I never wish injury on a player but outside of Howie I hope everybody on their team has a complete meltdown and puts up the worst numbers of their career.  And I hope this guy is on hand to witness every miserable inning of their meltdown:

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I could never wish personal ill on Lasorda because I respect a guy who roots for his team no matter what.  It’s just a shame that for him that team is the Dodgers, so yeah, I want him to be baseball miserable for the rest of the year.  I’m petty enough that I would derive some pleasure from his pain.


So there ya go – three teams to hate this year.  You know you want to do it.  Rooting for a team is fun, but rooting against a team has its own pleasures.  Life calls for balance.  Don’t neglect your hate.
Love to hear what you think!

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