Thursday, January 21, 2016

By Glen McKee and Nate Trop, Staff Reporters - 

Yeah, we know, it’s been a while.  What have we been doing in that time, besides not writing? We’ve been waiting for the Angels to fill the hole in LF.  Sigh.  In the meantime, our mailbox at PCP headquarters is chock-full of people not asking us questions so we figured this would be a good time to answer them.  Why aren’t you sending questions?  Because nobody uses snail mail anymore, it’s all email.  Feel free to email any questions to and we’ll answer them if we feel like it.  OK, on to your imaginary questions!

How would you rate the Angels offseason?  A. Dodge, Hillcrest, CA

Glen – Until Cespedes signs somewhere else and finishes the dream-stomping process it’s incomplete.  Once he’s off the boards it will be a D+ from me.  LF will be the same, if not worse, as it was last year.  If we don’t get Cespedes and have to make a trade we’ll be giving up potentially good starting pitching that we will need during the season, and that will take it down to an F.  I like having Simmons on the team but I think Newcomb alone should have been enough to get him.  The rest of the moves have just been treading water and searching for a clean peanut (thanks, tdawg). 

Nate – I don’t need to wait, I know the Angels aren’t going to sign Cespedes.  Arte has that wallet of his locked tight. After all he has to afford more yachts! The offseason has been pretty underwhelming.  First of all the trade for Simmons seemed like an overpay for a position that we didn’t even need to address.  That overpay left us with no trade chips left and holes in the OF, bullpen and starting rotation.  I would rate this off season a FU as in FU Arte for not buying a good OF! 

Will you guys miss Erick Aybar?  E. Aybar, Atlanta, GA

Glen – Every damn game I will.  I have no doubt that Simmons is a defensive improvement and I think he will surprise with the bat, but Aybar was Aybar.  Ghostface Killah and the village idiot wrapped into one.  He’s the only player I have a t-shirt for.  He’s like the dog that craps on the rug but then gives you a sloppy kiss after you clean it up: he pisses you off but he makes up for it.  I will learn to live without him but there will forever be a hole in my baseball heart.  Godspeed, you goofy fuck.

Nate – I already do.  Angels games will be so much less interesting now without knowing what crazy thing you are going to do next!  I will miss your stupid baserunning mistakes, crazy tantrums, goofy smiles, and all the rest of the tomfoolery we got used to over the years.  Good night my sweet prince!

What is your prediction for the Angels record this season?  M. Scioscia, Hometown Buffet, USA

Glen – My wife has a nickname for me: Mr. SOE (Shit on Everything).  I’m working on being more optimistic but I can’t see this team being aby better than 80-82.  I think Richards bounces back, Weaver plummets even further, Wilson is Wilson, Santiago repeats last year, and the offense will struggle.  Of course Pujols will declare himself 100% by the end of spring training but he won’t be. There are just too many things that could go wrong and not enough that could go right for this team to make the playoffs.  In the 80s Genesis had a hit with the excellent song (and even better video) “Land of Confusion.”  This is a team of confusion.  Not enough power to be a power team, not enough speed to steal more than a handful of bases, still not a great OBP lineup, a weak bullpen before the ninth, and unproved arms galore in the starting rotation.  It could be a long season.

Nate – My wife also has a name for me, it is footlong prick.  Barring any more major moves I do not see this team winning more than 75-80 games.  I think an aging already regressing Weaver, an aging, milquetoast, already douchey CJ Wilson, Pujols who just celebrated his 48th birthday, no LF, half a bullpen, terrible IF defense outside of Simmons and a strong division makes this a team that not even Mike Trout can carry.  I really don’t get this off season at all and I have no confidence in this team going into the season.  They project to be worse than last year and even more boring.  Really sucks that Mike Trout has to be surrounded by such a poor product.

Who do you think will play second base this year? J. Giovete Giavatoll Giavotella, Anaheim, CA

Nate – Unfortunately I think it will be you so maybe you could work on actually catching and throwing baseballs accurately.  Between you and the living statue known as CJ “not the douche one” Cron the right side of our infield may as well change their numbers to E3/4.

Glen – You.  Of all the options we currently have, you’re the best.  That’s less a reflection of your skills than it is an indication of how the offseason went.  Love your hustle, but I’d love you even more coming off the bench.  

What was your favorite move for the Angels during the offseason?  D. Nava, Boston, MA

Glen – Signing Al Alburquerque.  Every time I see his name I think of how it will look on a jersey and I also hear this song in my head:

Nate – A L B U…. querque!  I think of the same thing every time I see his name, Glen.  Weird Al is the best.  I just wonder if Al Al comes with his own meth lab and Thomas Crowe.

Is Arte the worst owner in baseball or the worst owner in the history of sports?  -The artist formally known as Toriitown

Nate - I wouldn’t be that harsh, I do think that Arte has good intentions but his meddling has cost this team in the long run.  I wish he would have let his baseball guys do their job instead of going for the big-name signing.  The fact that the Cardinals didn’t want to go more than five years on Pujols should have been a major red flag, and the fact that Hamilton really loves crack should have been an even bigger red flag.  Now Arte seems to be afraid to sign players for fear of being burned again.  I do wonder if he is getting ready to sell the team because he is fed up with the bad signings and the lack of a stadium deal.  I think the fact that his proposal to develop the land around Angel Stadium got shot down gets overlooked, that would have been a big windfall for Arte and losing out on that really has to chap his ass.

Glen – Arte is the worst owner the Angels currently have.  As for the rest of baseball, I dunno.  Loria sucks like a turbo-charged Hoover but he’s delivered a few championships mixed in with the fire sales.  Until a few years ago whomever it is that owns the Royals would have been high on the list. Five years ago Arte was still pimpin’.  I don’t agree with what the team has done so far this offseason, but I’m also a nine-to-five schlub and I have no idea what it’s like to be a billionaire team owner.  If I was in his shoes the Angels might be terrible, instead of just average.  

My Dodgers are going back to the World Series! T. Daddy, LA-ANA-SF-SEA-NY-BOS-Everywhere winning teams exist

Glen  – Ya know, you don’t get enough credit on these boards.  There’s probably a good reason for that, but you don’t.  Keep doing what you do.  And no, the Dodgers aren’t.  I look ahead to a boring season of Angels baseball but I have the slim and spiteful consolation that the Dodgers aren’t going anywhere either.  Invest in a Diamondbacks or a Giants jersey.

Nate – Uh, not really a question but early in the off season was schadenfreude at its best.  The Dodgers lost Greinke, botched a deal for Aroldis Chapman, and then made a few signings.  Then they signed some guy named Mazda or Maeda or something from Japan, I don’t know much about him since there is no point paying attention to international FAs as an Angels fan but even if he is good, the Dodgers also just signed JOE BLANTON… BAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  I hope your beloved Dodgers lose 100 games Mr. Troll.

With the Chargers likely moving to LA, will they win the Super Bowl in 2017? Phillip Rivers is the best ever! – Anonymous

Nate – Dammit, Glen, you can’t ask questions in your own fake mailbag… I think the Chargers will continue to suck and Rivers probably punches babies for fun.  On another note, I still think that Arte might try and hitch a ride with the Chargers to Inglewood or sell the team to someone like Kroenke for that reason.  There has to be a reason that Arte isn’t spending this offseason other than the fact that he keeps getting burned.

Glen – Rivers is underrated because he’s a bit of a dick.  He’ll probably slot just below the great Dan Fouts in the Chargers QB lore, but he’s not gonna bring the Super Bowl home.  I bet if you looked purely at stats (get ready for blasphemy) Rivers is better than Bearded Dan. I hate football right now. Move or don’t move, I don’t care.  Put a good team on the field, wherever that field is, and I’ll be interested again.  Love you, Phillip.  Go have another kid.
Love to hear what you think!

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