By Glen McKee, AngelsWin.com Senior Quizmaster -
Facebook has a feature that I find simultaneously addictive and incredibly depressing. It’s the “On This Day” app, which lets you see what you posted on this day in all of your previous years on Facebook.
It’s addictive because my memory is so terrible it serves as a refresher, as is my sense of time (that really happened three years ago? I thought it was last year!). It’s depressing because I see that 90 % of what I post is garbage.
However, every once in a while something pops up that makes it worthwhile for me. A few days ago I was reminded of a post I did called B-FAT, short for “Baseball Fan Aptitude Test.” I had forgotten about this (of course) and when I read it again I laughed out loud several times. It was one of my best works, if not my best.
So, in a vain attempt to recapture past glory I decided to do the inevitable sequel: B-FATTER, or Baseball Fan Aptitude Test Twentysixteen Extended Revision. One question for each team that every baseball fan should know.
1. Last season in the ALDS, Toronto Blue Jays fans had their hopes temporarily inflated when bearded wingnut Jose Bautista did something that will be immortalized on a Topps baseball card. What did he do?
a. Dug up the corpse of Morganna, the Kissing Bandit, and motor-boated her
b. An epic bat-flip
c. Shaved his overly-groomed facial hair
d. Ate a burrito at third base
2. The Detroit Tigers significantly improved their team by signing what free agent(s)?
a. Justin Upton
b. Bruno Mars and Uptown Funk
c. Upton Sinclair
d. Sinclair Lewis
3. The Houston Astros surprised most of baseball by doing what last year?
a. Moving to a better city
b. Adding an extra “s” to their name
c. Removing that stupid hump from their outfield
d. Making the playoffs
4. Chicago White Sox never-quite-star Adam LaRoche recently made headlines for what?
a. Freeing the pigeons that were nesting in his beard
b. Changing his last name to something more manly and becoming Adam MaxPower
c. Retiring after the White Sox management wouldn’t let his kid make the dugout his personal playground
d. Going on the DL for bacne.
5. Los Angeles Angels manager and poster man for resting confused face, Mike Scioscia, is the current longest-tenured manager in MLB. How long has he been manager of the Angels?
a. Since Albert Pujols was Rookie of the Year
b. For-effing-ever
c. Since Jason Giambi was AL MVP
d. For-effing-ever
6. The Minnesota Twins had Torii Hunter retire after last season and were close to making the playoffs. Name one of their position players who isn’t Joe Mauer or Trevor Plouffe.
a. Frank Stallone
b. Aaron Burr
c. Patton Oswald
d. Oswald Arcia
7. Texas Rangers teammates like to tease Adrian Beltre by touching him on a certain body part that he doesn’t like touched. What body part is it?
a. His head
b. His one remaining testicle
c. His anus
d. All of the above
8. True or false, one of the best baseball movies ever made starred Corbin Bernsen and was about the Cleveland Indians.
a. True
b. True
9. New York Yankees announcer John Sterling has the most annoying end-of-game catch-phrase after the Yankees win a game. What is that catch-phrase?
a. “Don’t forget your penicillin shot!”
b. “I hate all of you!”
c. “Yankees Win! Thuuuuuuuuuuh Yankees win!”
d. “This one’s for Jim Leyritz!”
10. Baseball front-office god Billy Beane recently changed positions within the Oakland Athletics organization. What is his new job?
a. Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations
b. Point of Contact for Fixing Stadium Toilet Problems
c. President of Pointless and Vindictive Trades
d. Real Person Played by Brad Pitt Who Looks the Least Like Brad Pitt
11. The Seattle Mariners got a new GM, who in the middle of last season suddenly resigned from the Angels. Who is he?
a. Chone Figgins
b. Jerri DiPoto
c. Nick DiPaolo
d. Jerry Dipoto
12. The Tampa Bay Rays just made history by playing an exhibition game in what country?
a. Antarctica
b. Cuba
c. Atlantis
d. Derkaderkastan
13. Terminal grouch and attention whore David Ortiz announced that he is retiring after this season, and with him will mercifully go his annoying nickname. What is it?
a. Big Annoying F**k
b. Big Plate Hog
c. Big Crybaby
d. Big Papi
14. The Kansas City Royals won the World Series last season. Why did this happen?
a. They sucked for 20 years and stockpiled enough draft picks to make a good team
b. Ned Yost is a great manager
c. That song by Lorde finally kicked in
d. The Gods of Baseball didn’t want to give the title to a team from New York
15. The Baltimore Orioles play in a beautiful stadium located in a horrible city (but hey, they can still look down on Detroit). What is the name of that stadium?
a. Oriole Park at Camden Yards
b. Ralph Kramden Yards
c. Billy Ripken Memorial Stadium
d. Dysfunction Junction
16. During the offseason the Arizona Diamondbacks went from a third-place finish in 2015 to potential division winner in 2016. Why is this?
a. Because the Dodgers are gonna suck
b. Because they play in the same division as the Padres
c. Because they play in the same division as the Rockies
d. Because they signed some big-name free agents (and we all know how well that works)
17. Jose Reyes was traded from a team that eventually went to the World Series to the Colorado Rockies, a huge step down. How did he apparently celebrate the trade?
a. By beating up his wife
b. By performing well in hopes of getting traded to a better team
c. By praising both his former and current team
d. By going on a cocaine bender
18. The New York Mets represented the National League in the World Series last year and still have Bartolo Colon on their roster. Aside from his last name, what is so great about Bartolo?
a. He’s fat and imminently gif-worthy
b. He’s old
c. He’s fun to watch
d. All of the above
19. The Washington Nationals once again underperformed last season, so they decided to switch managers. What corpse from the managing graveyard did they breathe life into in what will be looked back upon as yet another horrible decision?
a. Dusty Baker
b. Billy Martin
c. Casey Stengel
d. Ozzie Guillen
20. What is the most disappointing thing about being a Phillies fan?
a. They play in Philadelphia
b. They’re gonna miss the playoffs again
c. Because Philly needs something, man
d. Ryan Howard is still there
21. I, just like most people with an ounce of sense, hate the Dodgers. That said, they have iconic announcer Vin Scully retiring after this season. Like or dislike Vin, you have to acknowledge his place in baseball history and I tip my cap to him and to the Dodgers. That said, I still hate the Dodgers so here are some fun things to look forward to for them this season.
a. Yasiel Puig doing something stupid
b. Scott Kazmir replacing Zack Greinke
c. A horrible starting rotation
d. Looking up at both the Giants and the Diamondbacks at the end of the season.
22. The Milwaukee Brewers went from mediocrity with hope in 2014 to sub-mediocrity with little to no hope in 2015. What do they have in 2016?
a. Bob Eucker announcing
b. The stupid sausage race to distract from the terrible team on the field
c. A cool logo
d. All of the above
23. The St. Louis Cardinals have achieved some notoriety from their way of running a baseball team, unimaginatively called “The Cardinal Way.” Which of the following is not a principle of The Cardinal way?
a. Hacking into the player database for an opposing team
b. Looking down your nose at the rest of MLB
c. Not being pretentious
d. Dumping your garbage off on a sucker Angels GM
24. The Miami Marlins are being touted by some as a pick for the surprise team in 2016. Why is that?
a. Hey, you have to pick some team as the surprise and it can’t be a good one
b. Florida deserves something nice after countless “Florida Man” stories and having Rick Scott as Mayor for the last five years. Seriously, Florida, quit electing him
c. Giancarlo (He’s still Mike to me) Stanton
d. Any or all of the above
25. The Cincinnati Reds had a fire sale during the offseason. What do they have to look forward to this season?
a. Their third year without Dusty Baker as manager
b. All of their road games, since that means they’ll be out of Ohio. Except for Philadelphia road games, because Philly is…well, Philly
c. Watching the last burning ember of their fire sale, Joey Votto, being traded around the trade deadline
d. All of the above
26. It’s an even-number year, and in the last three even-number years the San Francisco Giants have won the World Series. What is one reason why they won’t win the World Series this year?
a. Bruce Bochy’s gimpy eye will suddenly become contagious and afflict the entire team
b. The Lincecum Curse: not re-signing Tim Lincecum will doom the Giants to decades of futility
c. All streaks, no matter how odd or coincidental, have to end sometime
d. Angel Pagan will trim his Mexi-mullet
27. Jeez, how do I even come up with a question about the San Diego Padres? What’s the best thing about being a Padres fan?
a. Not having to get your hopes up about making the playoffs
b. A beautiful home stadium
c. Exciting grey uniforms with a fun-tastic font!
d. Waiting to see who the next GM will be and who he’ll trade next
28. Everybody loves the Chicago Cubs since they hired Hipster Joe Maddon as manager and made the playoffs. They arguably made their team even better with their offseason additions. What’s a good reason to hate them?
a. Hipster Joe Maddon the manager
b. The pure joy of being contrary
c. They’re from Chicago, and Obama came from Chicago
d. That annoying coworker you have that’s a Chicagoan and won’t stop talking about it. Move back already then, if it’s so good.
29. There are many reasons to give grief to the Atlanta Braves, but which of the following is the best reason?
a. The tomahawk chop
b. The tomahawk chop
c. The tomahawk chop
d. Giving MLB Craig Kimbrel and his stupid pre-pitch look into the catcher. He’ll fit in perfectly at Boston where they welcome douche moves like that.
30. Everybody wants the Pittsburgh Pirates to do well. They have to be the least-offensive team out there and they’re competing on a shoestring budget. They’re like the Athletics used to be but without a self-important glory-hog of a GM. Unfortunately, they play in the NL Central which means they’ll have many games against expected contending teams with much larger budgets in Chicago and St. Louis. What position will the Pirates finish in the NL Central this season?
a. Threeve
b. Sixth
c. Second
d. Negative First
BONUS QUESTION FOR ANGELS FANS:
When Derek Jeter retired, the Angles gave him a giant surfboard, because I guess they thought he is white. When Mariano Rivera retired, they gave him an oil painting, because who doesn’t want some artwork. What the hell is it with the Angels celebrating players from the AL East? Anyway, what will they give David Ortiz on his last visit to Anaheim?
a. A giant syringe filled with a mystery substance that probably isn’t a controlled substance
b. A golden adult diaper
c. A golden Mickey Mouse ears hat
d. A fastball upside his plate-hogging head (note: I’m not advocating the beaning of any players, but if it happened…well, you know.)
SCORING: What, you want the correct answers? Go watch some baseball games and have fun.
