Friday, April 29, 2016

By Glen McKee, Staff Writer - 

First, let’s discuss the coked-up elephant on the diamond: Josh Hamilton.  Actually, he won’t be on the diamond because he’s injured again, something about his ovaries, I think.  I’m severely disappointed he won’t be on the diamond because now Arte Moreno will be paying him to not play against us, instead of paying him to play against us and commit a critical error and whiff every time he comes up with runners on base.  And honestly, look at that picture: he figured out the only way he could possibly be more annoying, by growing a shitty beard.  I wish he was playing; I wish it so much.  Ah well.  Onto the rest of this team.

The Texas Rangers:  In the last handful of years they’ve done more choking than Adam Lambert at an Elton John party.  So close to winning the World Series a few times, and then nada.  Yeah, I know, at least they got to the World Series, but that makes their choking even more memorable.  Seeing their annual choke-job is slim consolation for when the Angels choke even sooner.  You know it’s gonna happen, and this year for the Rangers it will start with this series.  

The Rangers have a player named Rougned Odor.  I ran that name through google translate and it said “the smell of your farts.”  They also have Adrian Beltre, the guy the Angels should have signed about five years ago but were afraid of.  He’s also an ex-Dodger.  That’s the only thing bad I have to say about him.  And then there’s Prince Fielder:

Dude claims to be a vegetarian.  If that’s true, he’s a few tofurkey burgers away from fitting into Pablo Sandoval’s uniform.   The Rangers also have a player named Delino DeShields, whose name reminds me of one of the coolest mfer’s ever, Delroy Lindo:

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Finally, these games are taking place in Texas.  What an awful state.  It gave us George W. Bush, current presidential candidate Ted Cruz and board member, RallyMo. The state motto is “Everything is Bigger in Texas!” as if that’s something to be proud of.  It’s always hot there, the state has thousands of miles of nothingness, it borders Mexico, and the Cowboys play there. It also borders most of the other worst states in America: Oklahoma (the only thing anybody knows about OK is that dumb play), Louisiana (more corrupt than Chicago) and Arkansas (thanks for the Clintons, assholes). It’s worse than California, and it’s not even close.  Eff Texas, and eff the Rangers. 
Love to hear what you think!

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