By Adam Dodge, AngelsWin.com Senior Writer -
Baltimore is the BEST! I'm serious, the absolute best - in at least two categories:
1. Fielding Percentage - In 2015, the Baltimore Orioles led the American League with a .987 fielding percentage. Adam Jones is a sick sonofabitch in CF.
2. Murder - In 2015, the city of Baltimore recorded 344 murders! On a per capita basis, this was the highest number ever recorded! Perhaps this was just a form of population control and an attempt to offset the new lives created in 2011, when Vladimir Guerrero completed his illustrious career (on the field, anyway) in an Orioles uniform. Whatever the case, good on you, B-More.
This statistic, for some reason, reminds me of the single greatest line ever uttered in American Cinema.
In 2016, the Orioles are off to a great start. At 24-14, they lead the American League Eastern Division. I can't do this. Crab cakes are f**king gross. They take something wonderfully delicious - the delicate white meat of a jumbo crab and they violate it with a bunch of disgusting crap. Any recipe that requires a half of a cup of mayonnaise and a box of saltines should be served with a glass of Tang and only to people convicted of violent sexual crimes. Why, Baltimore? I have a theory. Maryland crabs are so contaminated from marinating in an ocean of blood, rape and heroin, the only way they can get FDA approval is if they're transformed into fried balls of the clearance rack at the 99-cent store.
I'll stop the Baltimore hate. After all, the city is the setting for the greatest television show ever produced - a show that was more successful than any other at providing social commentaries on gang activities, violence and the plight of African-Americans in the United States. Of course, I'm referring to Roc, the Fox sitcom, which gave us a glimpse at the life of Charles "Roc" Emerson, a cheap ass garbage man with a needling wife and fornicating younger brother. I personally revisit the Tone Loc episodes every six months.
Now, let's get back to what's important. This weekend, Baltimore's Pimlico Race Course will host the 141st edition of the Preakness Stakes, much to the chagrin of the lettuce eating Sallies at PETA. A year after American Pharoah (I know "Pharaoh" is misspelled - the former owners of that horse are legitimate coked-out idiots) won the Triple Crown, Southern California based Nyquist, two weeks off of his brilliant Kentucky Derby win, seeks to win the second jewel of his own Triple Crown try on Saturday. He'll be the odds on favorite at 1-2 or 3-5 to complete the nine and a half furlongs first. Nine and a half is also the over/under on the number of trips to the mound made by Buck Showalter during the upcoming three-game series. Like Nyquist, Bucky is odds on to eclipse it.
I've never been to Baltimore but I imagine it smells like week-old anchovy pizza and broccoli farts.