By Glen McKee, Senior Swagologist -
Yes, I know: calling myself a swagologist is almost as douchey as vaping or backing into a parking spot. I also know that the Angels are like a jet engine in that they both suck and blow at the same time, but you know what? They need some swagger. It’s easy to understand why they lack bluster. I hate to make excuses but damn, the amount of injuries they’ve had this year is ridiculous. It has exposed a weak bench and an even weaker farm system, but few if any teams could be expected to absorb the amount of injuries the Angels have had this year and still be competitive.
But’s that’s no reason for them to not have some swagger. The Angels have Trout and Pujols. Shoemaker and his beard are awesome again. Nobody in our bullpen would make the bullpen on any other team. We’re like the Cleveland Indians at the beginning of “Major League.” That’s why we need the swagger back, and it starts in that hellhole known as Detroit.
The Detroit Tigers. The Tigers have been a bit resurgent lately, fooling themselves into thinking they have a shot at the wildcard. They’re in fourth place, four games behind the wild card leaders Toronto and Boston (one of whom will win their division) and three games behind Baltimore, who will get the second wild card because of the magic of Trumbo. Their playoff hopes will last a bit shorter than Justin Verlander’s marriage to Kate Upton, if it even happens.
The Tigers have Miguel Cabrera, otherwise known as the guy who unfairly beat Mike Trout for a couple of MVP awards, probably because he’s some sort of Mexican. Thanks, Obama. They also have Ian Kinsler, who despite being an incredible bag of dicks manages to be better than just about every other 2B in the game. The Texas Rangers traded Kinsler to Detroit for Prince Fielder, and Fielder just announced his retirement from the game due to neck injury. The Rangers got screwed but somehow they’re still gonna make the playoffs, which tells you a lot of what you need to know about Detroit.
Detroit also recently picked up my favorite bonehead, Erick Aybar. Damn. That makes it hard for me to talk trash about them because I loves me some Aybar and I’m glad to see him on a team that at least has playoff aspirations. Maybe Erick can show Kinsler his dong in a hot dog bun and make him trip and fall and break a finger or something. Do it for the Angels, Aybar. We still love you and believe in you.
The Tigers also have two guys names Martinez on their team (maybe even three, I’m not looking at the pitching staff). Not to go all Trump here, but what happened to the good old days when teams had two Smiths or two Johnsons on the roster? #SlipAJohnsonIntoDetroit
Finally, the Tigers have Justin Upton in the OF. The only reason I bring him up is so I can post this mean from when both of the Uptons were playing in Atlanta:
Heh heh, that’s still funny to me.
Anyway, yeah…Detroit skus. Time for the Angels to slap them around and remind them that they, too, are not going to make the playoffs.